NOTICE: Posting schedule is irregular. I hope to get back to a regular schedule as the day-job allows.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

HUMOR: Credo of a Mad Scientist [Full link to blog for email clients.]

[Note:  My schedule is basically swamped with work-stuff and preparation for professional meetings, so I'm going to have to stay on an irregular schedule for now.  So here's a bit of fun in the meantime!]

Credo of a Mad Scientist:

1. First do no harm... unless you absolutely have to in order to advance your evil agenda!

2. No laughing, cackling or making the MWAhahahaha! sound... at least not for more than 15 seconds at a time. And frequency must be not more than once per hour.

3. Do not explain your evil plan to the plucky hero while you have him at your mercy. Kill first, explain later.

4. Do NOT, under any circumstances use Big Red Buttons ™ to operate the off switch or self-destruct for your evil end-of-world machine.

5. Do not secure your evil end-of-world machine with a laptop and 6-character password. 4096-bit encryption is so much more reliable.

6. Do not base your password on the names of your dog, cat or mad scientists from history. Avoid prime numbers, Fibonacci sequences or any other easy-to-crack sequence. You are evil – come up with an evil password!

7. Safety First! File down all of the sharp edges and projections on your lab equipment and evil weapons, keep all dangerous chemicals locked in appropriate safety cabinets.

8. Do not allow minions or Hero's to mix dangerous chemicals without reference to the appropriate Material Safety Data Sheets!

9. Make sure that all of your Hero traps have failsafes – so that you do not get trapped by them when the Hero escapes.

10. Ensure that the biometric remote control for the trap failsafes is carried somewhere that it will always be on your body – preferably implanted so that it cannot fall out of your pocket.

11. Beware of minions – if you let them learn too much, they may turn on you.

12. Do not recruit minions. Clone them.

13. Beware of clones.

14. Dormant volcanos do not make good hiding places for secret evil hideouts. Some do-good Hero is always managing to make them un-dormant.

15. South Sea islands with palm trees, fresh water and nice beaches will do nicely for a base of operations.

16. Be nice to the locals, otherwise they may turn on you.

17. Beware of clowns.

18. Piranhas and sharks are too messy. Shoot the Hero and then toss him in a room with some carrion beetles. Clean-up is much easier that way.

19. Chlorine Triflouride will do in a pinch.

20. Hyperintelligent mutant Lab Rats make good minions, but their paws have trouble with doors.

21. Avoid making Lab Rats too intelligent – they may decide to take over *your* job instead!

22. The only super power anyone has ever gained from the bite of a radioactive animal or insect is a nasty wound and a high fever.

23. Mutating the digestive tract of monkeys so that they can fling explosive poo is a BAD IDEA!

24. Capes are not a good fashion accessory, they may keep you warm in cold weather, but they tend to catch on objects when you are chasing (or running from) Hero's.

25. Invest in a good pair of running shoes.


  1. Beware of cloning clowns.

  2. I am going to build my evil overlord's lair in an area with high unemployment and preferably a population of immigrants that truly want to integrate with society, but do not have many economic opportunities. I will then offer them good jobs at competitive rates, continuing education for them, educational benefits for their children as well as good healthcare benefits for the whole family. My evil organization will also be a prominent and generous sponsor of community enrichment programs such as building new parks and community centers.

    This way when the "good guy" comes in and tries to turn the locals against me he will be the "bad guy" who is threatening the livelihoods of them and their families as well as threatening their children's scholarship prospects.


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